Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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