Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize