Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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