I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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