Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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