On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
