Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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