I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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