i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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