my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Did I show you my penis last night?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
