Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
