Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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