remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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