apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm like, not good at living.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
