i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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