Sry I called you an 8
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
