She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
