i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
