I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you didnt know i had herpes?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
