there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
