There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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