she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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