pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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