I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
