I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just forgot I was standing up.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
