Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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