if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
