does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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