...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize