Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize