i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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