So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
