My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
