My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
As shirtless as possible
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
