so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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