I wanna bring you to show and tell
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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