Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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