Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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