I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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