eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
