her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize