youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
