I want to have your abortion
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
