8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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