Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
