Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
