I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
