I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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