good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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