My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
