Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
