in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
FUCK WHALES
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