walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
