hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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