At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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