k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize