before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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